Happy New Year!

Rachelle and I met up with Ken and Shelley to celebrate New Year 2007. The weird part was we met at 3:30 p.m. Turns out an English pub near us was celebrating the New Year on London time. Sweet! I might not make it all the way to midnight in Cali (hell, I'm damn near 40), but I can sure as shit make it until 4:00 p.m. Free champagne-ish type beverage (calling it "sparkling wine" would even be a stretch), a round of Auld Lang Syne and some decent stout. And home in time to feed the dogs at 6:00. We did hook up again to celebrate the real, American New Year. Hit Sky for sushi and then Sartory for wine and live "music". Music kind of sucked, but it was nice in a laid-back way. I'm waaaay past the days of crowded, loud bars. I really like being able to talk to the people I'm out with. So sue me, I'm 37. Anyway, Happy New Year to everybody reading. I hope you all have a great 2007. I plan to start my new year with a tall stack of pancakes and some really good mimosa's. Maybe. Depends on what time the dogs get me up.

Ski Bunny (Rachelle)

OK, so I last posted a picture of the ski resort we hit a couple of weeks ago in Tahoe. Tahoe's great, but we went to my Dad's surprise birthday party in Salt Lake City and hit the Utah slopes. Much scarier. We spent all day at Sugar Bowl in Tahoe on the bunny slopes. BORING! As I said in my last post, I was tearing up the bunny slope in Tahoe, and I was all ready to hit the blue slopes in Utah. We took the UTA (some sort of Utah mass transit bus) up from a Park & Ride in Salt Lake City for $3. Damn good deal considering the weather. Anyway, we were ready to rip up some pansy-ass Utah slopes after taking on some of the best (?) Tahoe had to offer. Ummm, not so fast. All was good until we actually hit the lift. We got up to the little "Wait" line and waited for the lift to swing around. Still good. Lift scooped us up and started moving us up the hill. A little faster than Sugar Bowl, but still good. I leaned back to pull the safety bar forward... Uh, oh. Not so good! Apparently, Alta doesn't seem to understand the need for "safety bars". Personally, I don't really like the idea of swinging 100 feet off the ground on a slippery vinyl seat in a high wind with blinding snow and 160mm skis strapped to my feet (tiny for a 6'2" dude, but plenty long for a crap-ass skier). There might have been a slightly damp spot on the lift when I slid off, but I'm not saying for sure. We got to the top (thank God) and had to figure out the best way down. My suggestion was to follow the sign that said "EASIEST WAY DOWN". Sounds good to me! Turns out the "easiest way down" wasn't really "easy". There was lots more falling down in Alta that there was in Sugar Bowl. Fortunately, the snow was so fluffy and powdery that I didn't actually get hurt. Cold, yet. Hurt, no. Not even my pride. I know full well that I can't ski, so the "pride" thing wasn't a big issue anyway. Even though the toughest run I took was called "Dipsy Doodle". No shit. Dipsy Doodle was a serious ass-kicker. Whatever. It was so friggin' cold, snowy and windy that we didn't take too many runs down the slope, but I can safely say that I was truly impressed with the Utah slopes. Oh, and we took the wrong bus back down the hill. Turns out we didn't want the #96 bus, we wanted the #95 bus. Soooo close, but the #96 didn't actually go to the Park & Ride where we'd "parked". Ooops. All worked out well, but a little awkward when we had to tell our bus driver (who looked EXACTLY like a clean Danny Bonaduce) that he was taking us to the wrong place.

Ski Bum

Rachelle and I went to Tahoe this weekend for a little early season skiing. Pretty much because some of the resorts offer a "Learn to Ski" package this weekend. $25 gets you two hours of lessons, skis, boots and a lift ticket. That makes it somewhat affordable when you have to add in a night at Wag for Lucy, two dog-sitting sessions for Bo and a rental 4x4 to make it up the hill. Whatever, it's not a bad deal at all, especially considering that of the 20+ people there for the lesson, everybody but me and Rachelle were there for snowboarding. Since apparently everybody already knows how to ski (except me and Rachelle), we got a private lesson. OK, Rachelle already "knows" how to ski, but I've got minimal skills. That said, I didn't fall all day. And I kicked some serious ASS on the Black Bear run. The Black Bear run is the fastest, scariest, baddest portion of the "beginner" slope. "Beginner" being the politically correct term for what used to be called the "Bunny" slope. The actual scarriest part of the beginner slope was the lift. This is the part of the ski park where they put the tiny kids and the big, fat dudes who might be a danger to real skiers. I fit in the big, fat dude category. Pick the White Pine run and you're getting a "hill" in the loosest sense of the word. Anyway, even though the beginner slope was just barely past horizontal, it was a great day on the mountain. If anybody wants to hit a nice ski park where the staff is friendly and the bar is large, give Sugar Bowl a shot. Nobody will even laugh (out loud) at you if you spend all day on the "beginner" slope and you are well into your 30's. A lot of sad head-shakes, but no laughs.

Meltdown

It's 8:00 a.m. on the Tuesday of a three-day holiday week, the week before I have to fly to Austin/Oklahoma City for two workshops, and two very bad work-related things happen. First, the office copier starts making a jet-engine type noise. Not good when I need 120 copies of a 50 page presentation (and 120 copies of about 6 other handouts). Huge pain in the ass, but nothing the Copy & Print Center at Staples can't help me with (3,328 total copies; bitchin'!). The second (and FAR nastier) problem is that my computer crashed this morning. The computer that I normally connect to my projector. So people can actually see my PowerPoint presentation. I called the "help desk" at my Home Office and got all the usual "helpful" suggestions. "Take the battery out and try again". "Take the battery out, unplug it and try again". Didn't work. Shocking. They finally told me they'd send me a new machine and I'd have it by Monday. That would be great if I was going to be in Sacramento on Monday. Unfortunately, I'll be in Texas. Now it's supposed to be shipped to my house on Friday. I've got my fingers crossed.

Anniversary

Anniversary
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Rachelle and I celebrated our 6th anniversary last week. To help commemorate our solemn and glorious Las Vegas wedding, we decided to hit the Indian casino near our house for the buffet. Rock on! We actually could have gone someplace "nice", but the casino really seemed to fit. And it was only $9.99 per person. Drink included. Anyway, to anybody interested in getting married, Vegas is really a pretty good option. Book yourself a package through one of the better hotels and you're set. Pictures (that I wasn't told about), video (ditto) and you are in and out in 30 minutes. Pretty painless. And you can take care of the reception by giving everybody a roll of nickels and sending them towards the slots. Free cocktails for everybody! Thanks for sticking with me for six whole years, Rachelle. Only 30+ to go.

Election Day

Election Day
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Election day today! As you can see, people weren't exactly fighting to get in to vote for their favorite elected/hopeful representative. I heard on the radio that California was expecting a +/- 50% turn-out, and 45% of those had already voted absentee. With all the talk about problems with electronic voting, I was feeling pretty confident that our optical scanners were pretty safe. There's an actual paper ballot that you fill in like a school test and feed through a scanner when you're done. Pretty simple. Problem is they "forgot" to send a power cord for the scanner, so they'll have to "hand count" them later. I see my vote for Charlie Brown getting "lost". Of course they'd have to toss out my Schwartzenneger vote, too. God, I love the political season! Seriously. I'll be glued to the TV all night. Might be some yelling, some swearing. Whatever.

Happy Halloween, Lucy!

Happy Halloween, Lucy!
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

OK, so I couldn't resist posting a picture of Lucy in her costume. I don't think she really wanted to dress up as a Fairy Princess, but there weren't a whole lot of costume choices for a chocolate lab/great dane puppy at the $0.99 store. You're looking at $1.98 worth of crazy single-people high-jinks. Lucy and Bo are actually spending the early evening in the back of the truck in the garage. Too much stuff could/would get broken every time the doorbell rang. So far, the bell has only rung twice tonight. 6:28 p.m. PST and we've managed to give away one (1) Tootsie Pop (orange) and one (1) bag of Skittles. Damn kids better start showing up soon or I'm shutting the porch light off, dropping the black-out shades and ripping open mini-packets of Smarties, Twizzlers and Tangy Taffy. Maybe some Starburst. All go really well with a nice Central Coast cabernet sauvignon.

FINAL COUNT: @ 40 kids
Still plenty of swag for me. And Rachelle. And we didn't even have to go door-to-door.

Halloween Party

Halloween Party
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Rachelle and I were invited to a Halloween party this year, so we had to come up with a costume idea. We settled on Howie Mandel (me) and a brief-case bimbo (Rachelle) from "Deal or No Deal". Neither one of us actually watch the show, but it was a really cheap couples costume. It basically involved me shaving my head completely down (a little cold this time of year, even in Sacramento), finding a pair of clip-on earings and drawing in a cheesy goatee. Rachelle had to dress like a hoochie and carry an aluminum briefcase. Cheap, cheap, cheap! We were a little worried that since it's such a BAD game show nobody would recognize who we were supposed to be. Fortunately, it seems lots of people watch really bad game shows.

FYI - In case anybody is worried about Lucy after seeing that nasty picture I took at the vet's, she's completely recovered. I even took a picture of her in her Halloween costume today, but Rachelle thought it would be too embarrassing to post it. For us, not Lucy. Although Lucy seemed less than happy to be dressed up as a Fairy Princess.

Lucy's First Emergency

Lucy's First Emergency
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

...then this morning we end up back at the vet's for Lucy's first emergency visit. We took her to the new dog park and she must have stepped on a bee or a spider or something that caused an alergic reaction. Her face swelled up to twice her normal size. Creepy-looking Halloween dog #2. Both are fine, but the meds seem to be making Lucy a little sleepy. Bo is always sleepy.

Bo's Emergency

Bo's Emergency
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So, Tuesday night we had to take Bo to the vet because Lucy's tail caught him in the eye and caused some inner-occular bleeding (or something like that). Creepy-looking Halloween dog #1...

Perfect Mix

Perfect Mix
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

One of the Auditors in my office brought back a jar of tequila-infused chocolate candies. "Nasty" you say? So you might think. Not true at all! As soon as I opened the lid I got a strong whiff of tequila. A little disturbing at 7:30 a.m., but I was willing to give it a shot. No pun intended. Turns out it was actually good. Not a liquid center like I was afraid of. More like a blended chocolate-tequila nugget. Tasty!

Rainbow Bridge: Sunrise

Rainbow Bridge: Sunrise
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

One of the joys of having a puppy is that I am now exposed to many, many more weekend sunrises than I would have otherwise. Bo would happily get up, eat and go back to bed. The perfect dog. Lucy, on the other hand, wants to get up, eat and PLAY! So I get to get up and play WITH HER! Fun!

Anyway, this weekend I loaded the dogs into the back of the Ranger and went for a ride looking for places to use my new camera. I have probably 1000 pictures of the Rainbow Bridge in Folsom. Basically because it's really close to the house and I like the water/bridge/bird/kayaker combo. I also have probably 1000 pictures of Rachelle, Bo and Lucy, too, but Rachelle doesn't like her picture posted (without serious editorial input) and the pictures of Bo and Lucy tend to be blurred because of all the shenanigans and constant motion. Look for more sunrise pictures this weekend. Unfortunately.

Shooting Report

Turns out the whole shooting thing was really bad for the driver. Guy didn't make it and I'm looking at the car on TV to see if it belongs to one of the neighbors I actually know. I really hope it's not the old guy who does his yardwork in his underwear. The whole "doing yardwork in his underwear" is a bit strange, but he's a nice guy. Can't tell based on what I've seen so far. Apparently, the story is the kid was playing with a loaded gun in the house and it went off, hitting the guy as he drove by. How friggin' unlucky is that? What are the odds? If I hadn't stopped off at home to let the dogs out before I went to the post office, I would have been driving by at the time the gun went off. Damn glad I've got dogs.

"GET BACK IN YOUR HOMES..."

"GET BACK IN YOUR HOMES..."
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

That's what the Sheriff's helicopter was shouting out to the dumb-asses in the neighborhood who were watching the armed stand-off. Fortunately, I was already back home after having taken my pictures and was no longer part of the dumb-ass crowd. I had been 10 minutes earlier, but now I can take the moral high-ground. DUMB-ASSES! LOOKIE-LOOS! GET BACK INSIDE AND GUARD YOUR METH LABS!

Breaking news is that the kid shot a passing motorist by mistake. No word on the status of the driver, but it might not be good. Older guy just driving by. Bummer. Really bad news for the kid, too.

Orangevale S.W.A.T.

Orangevale S.W.A.T.
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So I'm heading to the post office to cancel my mail-hold and I get turned away at a police barricade. Not sure what's happening, but this particular cop (in shorts) had his riot gun pointed toward a house on the corner. Two blocks from my house. Probably really good for property values. This picture was actually taken on my second trip down the block. I tried to get a picture with my phone, but I needed a longer lens. Back home for my digital SLR. Now the helicopter's circling overhead telling everbody to get back in their houses and lock the doors.

UPDATE: Just getting word via KCRA Channel 3 that S.W.A.T. has taken a 14-year-old into custody for an "accidental discharge of a weapon" and the wounding of a motorist. Yikes! I was two minutes from driving past there. More later as additional details emerge. Film at 11:00

Boot-Scootin' in K.C.

Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

OK, so this picture shows both the good and the (very) bad of midwest living. The good part is that it doesn't seem as if restaurants are afraid of being too politically incorrect. My first clue that I was in K.C. and not Sacramento was the waitresses in the low-cut, ass-huggin' jeans and the midriff-baring halter tops. My second clue was when my waitress came up and said, "HI! I'm going to be your whiskey-girl tonight!". Damn, I've never had my very own whiskey-girl. Food was so-so, but I was grubbin' down on my burger and fries when some guy called the whiskey-girls to the dance floor. Apparently, they get together every 20 minutes or so to shake and jiggle around to a bad mix of country and AC/DC. My whiskey-girl was supposed to be getting my Mason jar full of beer, but I was cool with waiting.

An example of the bad part of midwest living is the dude in the blue shirt. Waaaaay too many trips to "Toby Keith's I (heart) This Bar & Grill". Sad part is, of the four guys at the table, he's the one to most likely be called "Slim".

Anyway, I hope they serve breakfast.

Panama Canal Zone

Panama Canal Zone
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

OK, Rachelle doesn't seem to like this picture, but this is my favorite picture from Panama. It's a cargo ship passing under the Bridge of the Americas (just through the Panama Canal) at sunset. The ship looks blurry because I had to use the "bulb" setting to get the picture, but I like it. And we were sitting on the patio at T.G.I. Friday's. That's the sad part.

Graduation Night

Graduation Night
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So, I'm not sure at what point exactly you cross that line between being a normal pet owner and when you become the weird couple down the street who treats their pets like their kids. I don't know, but I believe we are well past that point. Lucy graduated from puppy class a couple of weeks ago. Now she has a diploma. Rachelle has a diploma. Bo and I are un-educated losers. We prefer to tell people we graduated from the school of hard knocks. Fraternity: Beta Geta Job. Anyway, I'm not putting too much stock in Lucy's "diploma". The instructor said that getting your certificate from puppy class was pretty much like graduating from kindergarten. Everybody gets out. Even the dopey, barky yellow lab who took a ginormous dump in the middle of class and caused us to get out early got a certificate. Kind of like graduating from Walden College. At least we've got something for her baby book. Not really. We're not that crazy.

Bare Naked in Panama

Rachelle and I are starting our second full day in Panama City. We hired a driver/guide yesterday to drive us around the city. We were actually just looking for a taxi to the Panama Canal, but this guy was waiting outside the hotel looking for tourists. We probably could have gotten a cab for quite a bit cheaper, but we saw a whole lot more with this guy. Considering we don't speak a whole lot of Spanish (read,yes; speak, not much), we probably wouldn't have considered going around the armed Panamanian guards at the Presidential Palace. Turns out you can walk right up to the place. Pretty cool. I'll post pictures when we get back. The guy hauled us around for 5 hours and charged us $40. Like I said, we probably overpaid, but it was definitely worth it. The only bad part about yesterday was the cool brew pub across the street was closed because it was Sunday. At least we hope it was closed because it was Sunday. It was the first place we went when we got in Saturday night and it was great. The beer was marginal, but the atmosphere rocked. And I was able to get a bottle of Cuban beer. FYI, Bucanero Fuerte tastes a lot like Budweiser. More later. Rachelle wants to do some "vacationing".

Lucy & Rawhide

Lucy & Rawhide
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Lucy continues to grow. We've found, after many long, loud afternoons, that if you give both of the dogs a rawhide they'll shut the hell up. Probably not a good parenting tool, but there are times that Rachelle and I would actually like to talk to each other. Or watch another episode of "House Hunters". We've now been to three puppy classes. Lucy slept through the first one, cowered through the second one and finally decided at the third that it wasn't so bad. What changed her mind seemed to be the treats that teacher Julie hands out. Lucy was hiding under the chair until Julie started training one of the other dogs and was rewarding her with treats. That got Lucy's attention. She was much more involved in puppy class after that. I still wouldn't say she's a stellar pupil, but she's pretty good. MUCH better than the lab who took a huge dump towards the end of class #2. We were dismissed a little early that night. Glad it wasn't our dog.

Birthday Gift

Birthday Gift
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So I'm really excited that my second birthday gift from Rachelle came today. It's such a cool, useful gift that it was on back-order. No, it's not the PowerBook. She got me a USB-powered drink cooler. It's like a coaster that you plug into your USB port and it keeps your drink cold. The instructions show you putting a soda on it, but we all know what these things were really made for. Beer. Or a gin/vodka drink of some sort. Maybe something with an umbrella. Now I can always have an icy-cold beverage next to my computer as I spend hours searching for internet porn. (OK, it doesn't take hours to find internet porn, but it takes a while to find the good stuff.) I'll keep you updated on how it works, but so far I'm diggin' it.

I do have a restaurant review this week. Rachelle and I went to the Gold Miner Cafe in Folsom. Tiny, weird place, but the food rocks. And the portions are ginormous. I got the Lumberjack Special, which was 2 pancakes bigger than my head, 2 pieces of bacon, 2 pieces of sausage, 2 pieces of ham and 2 eggs. I know it sounds like it might be too much, but it was quite tasty. The line runs out the door, but it moves fast. We actually walked in and were offered what apparently is a very unpopular table because everybody else was waiting for something better. Worked fine for us and we didn't have to wait. Suckers.

Scary Dog?

Scary Dog?
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Lucy can look a little scary, but she's really just enjoying a belly-rub. She's getting HUGE. Fourteen weeks as of yesterday (earlier versions of this blog said 14 months) and she weighs in at 23.6 pounds. Bo's seven or eight years old and he's only 36 pounds. I see some great games of "rope" in the near future.

Patio (Almost) Done

Patio (Almost) Done
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

The almost finished patio just makes the rest of the house/yard look like crap, but I think I'm going to like having the extra space. I still can't walk on it until at least tomorrow or Sunday, and we haven't given the contractor his final check, but things are looking good. As long as he puts the gate back up. Not sure why it had to come down. Must be a concrete thing. I hope it doesn't kill my beautiful landscaping when I hose off the rock-salt finish.

Patio

Patio
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Looks better already. I went home at lunch to let Lucy out and I got to see the progress. Most of the existing crap-ass patio is gone, the mound of dirt/dog turds is much flatter (soon to be gone, too) and new concrete has been ordered for Friday delivery. So far, so good. Stay tuned.

Patio: Day "Minus 1"

Patio: Day Minus 1
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

We just signed a contract to have our crap-ass patio ripped out and approximately 700 square feet of new concrete poured. Kind of scary considering that's more than half the square footage of our actual house. In theory, the contractor is going to be here at 7:00 tomorrow morning to start the demo. I'm hopeful. With any luck there will be some post-demo pictures tomorrow night. The guy told us he should be able to rip out the old patio, form the new slab and pour the entire thing by Friday. My only concern (aside from the dude taking my $500 deposit and blowing it in Reno) is that all that concrete will be seriously friggin' hot. The five day forecast for Sacramento this week shows today being the coolest at 94. We're looking for 103-105 for the rest of the week. Could make the concrete harden really quick. Glad I'm not actually pouring it. I'll be working up a sweat just thinking about it from my air-conditioned cube. Check back for updates and/or rants about great/worthless contractors.

Proud Mom

Ro & Lucy
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

She's getting big. Lucy, not Rachelle. We're pretty happy that she's sleeping through the night now, too. LOTS more peaceful knowing that you don't have to get up in the middle of the night to let her out. I'd always hated the idea of crate-training a dog because it seems so mean. That was before I got a puppy who takes my flip-flops and "plays" with them (more like "chews" with them). We give her a treat when we put her in the crate at night and she doesn't seem to mind a bit. There will be times that we're looking for her and she's in the laundry room looking up at her treats and moving in and out of the crate in hopes of getting one. Sad. But cute. It's also a reminder that we now have a dog that can see. We are so used to Bo not being able to see where his food and/or treats are. No such luck with Lucy.

Rock On!

Rock On!
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

I know I haven't posted for a while, but having a puppy is a lot like having a baby. Except you can't put diapers on a puppy. On the flip side, you can't put a baby in a crate if she's being naughty. Ok, you can, but CPS will come knocking if anybody reports you. Anyway, Rachelle and I went to a free outdoor concert in El Dorado Hills. An Eagle's tribute band. Actually pretty good. Could be the wine, but I'm enjoying it.

Lucy, I'm Home!

Lucy, I'm Home!
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

After much consideration, and the purchase of "Puppies for Dummies", Rachelle and I brought Lucy home today. Her mother is a "small" Great Dane (110 lbs.) and her dad is a medium-sized chocolate lab (80 lbs.). Lucy was the smallest female in the litter, so I'm really hoping that she maxes out at 90ish pounds. That's about 55 pounds heavier than Bo. He'd better be nice to her while she's still small. So far, he's been doing a lot of barking and she's been doing a lot of ignoring him. And sleeping. Got to go. I need to re-read the chapter on house-breaking. That's a VERY important chapter.

Lucy?

Lucy?
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

One step closer to getting a "friend" for Bo. I'm not sure he's really looking for a friend, but these puppies are almost too cute to pass up. We'll see how it all shakes out. Puppies are a lot of work, but they're a hell of a lot of fun, too. We might give one a test-drive this weekend to see how Bo deals with a new addition. There go my new hard-wood floors.

Bay to Breakers: 2006

Bay to Breakers: 2006
Originally uploaded by klycolllins

I think this is my favorite picture from this year's Bay to Breakers in San Francisco. You've got to admire a man who can run 7.75 miles in a sheer skirt, ruffled shirt and Mardi Gras beads, all the while drinking screwdrivers out of a gallon jug. I'm not sure if I'm more confused by this guy who was actually part of the race or the dude with the red boots who is just watching. It is San Francisco, so he may have actually just been walking home and saw a race going on.

(Almost) Naked Elvis
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

I was really glad to see the Elvis dancing on his balcony. He was actually wearing a jump-suit last year, but it's either at the cleaner's or he been spending some time at the gym and wanted to show off the new abs.

This is one of the races that I really actually enjoy every year. There are 65,000 people running it, so chances are good that I'm not going to finish dead last. Especially considering about 5,000 of those people are running either naked and/or drunk. I wasn't either of those this year. Maybe 2007 will be the "Year of Kelly" and I'll run naked. Maybe not. I get my race packet every year and it specifically says "NO NUDITY". Could be they just mean "NO NUDITY KELLY. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT. KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON." In any case, Rachelle was nice enough to stay with me for the entire race and we finished in under 2 hours. Not a great time for a "runner", but rockin' for a fat, lazy, 36-year-old dude who usually only runs when it's treat day at the office and there are donuts in the break room. I'm really surprised that I could still walk come Monday.

Costco: Cradle to Grave...

Costco: Cradle to Grave...
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Just one more entry in the "If it ain't at the Costco, I don't need it" file.

"LOST" in Orangevale?

What The Hell?
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So I decided to finally (after 5 years) take out the clothes-line pole in the backyard. It looked like there was maybe a coffe can worth of concrete around the pole. How hard could it be? After about an hours worth of digging to find the edges, I ended up with a slab of concrete about three feet across and six inches deep. At this point Rachelle's asking if we found a hatch like in "LOST". I'm more hoping for a 60's era bomb shelter. Turns out it was just a huge slab of concrete holding in a very small pole. Not exactly the twenty minute project I was hoping for, but I was able to put my 200ish pounds behind my eight pound sledge hammer (I told Rachelle I had a reason for buying that thing!) and tore it up. About the time I pulled it out of the ground I started thinking that maybe it wasn't a clothes-line. Here's hoping it wasn't anything important.

Baseboards. Almost.

Baseboards. Almost.
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

I've been working on my new hardwood flooring since January and I'm finally to the "baseboard" stage. The floors have actually been done for months, but I'm just now getting around to the finishing touches. Rachelle told me I had 6 months to get the baseboards up. Tick-tock. I was really getting used to the look of the blue moisture barrier and pad. Kinda classy. Anyway, I decided to go with the 5-inch pre-primed composites. Looks good and really easy to work with. I figure I should have the entire project finished well within my deadline. Hey, it's May already, isn't it? Crap.

It's nice to see somebody other than Rachelle reads my blog. I'm not truly sure she "reads" it, but she skims it for anything that may cause her to re-think the whole "marriage" thing. Anyway, somebody saw my post about our soon-to-be-indicted Congressman John Doolittle and sent in a comment. Apparently, I'm not the only one in my district who would like to see the dude spending his campaign contributions on a legal defense fund instead of a congressional campaign. There's a "Dump Doolittle" blog that has articles about hookers, ethics investigations, links to some snarky political blogs (nice!) and links to all of his competitors web pages. My heart (and vote) still belongs to Charlie Brown, but I'm willing to keep my options open. SIX MORE MONTHS, SIX MORE MONTHS...

I'm Super Fast! (Not Really)

fair oaks chickens
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Once again, I agreed to participate in the 5 mile Fair Oaks Fiesta Sun Run. It sounds like a great idea every year before the race and sounds like a much less good idea the day of and/or after the race. Considering I run maybe once or twice over the course of a given year, I'm pretty happy I even finished, much less in under an hour (59:40). I really need to find another age group, though. Either that or I need to start actively recruiting fat, slow 35-39 year old dudes to run the race. On the plus side, Rachelle gave me her ham & eggs at the pancake feed after the "race". Score!

I had a message on the machine when I got home today from Charlie Brown asking me to vote for him for Congress. Turns out it's not actually a joke. Lt. Colonel Charlie Brown (USAF, ret.) is running against our current Congressman, John Doolittle. For those of you not familiar with Rep. Doolittle, he took buckets of money from Jack Abramoff, was/is really close to Tom DeLay and his wife skims a little off the top of every campaign "contribution" (for a little Soprano-ish twist to campaigning). Basically, an incumbent congressional representative. I figure Colonel Charlie could break into my house, rifle through my wallet, take the last beer from the 'fridge, tickle my ass with a feather and he'd still probably get my vote. The ass-tickling thing might be a little weird, but I'd be willing to let it slide if he promises to steal less than the current administration. I'm not sure what he stands for yet, but he's at least different. You've got my vote, Charlie.

Seis de Mayo

Seis de Mayo
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Rachelle and I caught a Rivercats game with Ken and Shelly last night. We didn't get there early enough for the free sombreros. Damn. Shelly had somehow scored tickets in the Solon Club (kind of like the "Champagne Room" at Scores; very exclusive). Rivercats games are always a good time, and the Dinger Dogs rock, but the $9 beers are kind of a drag. Really helps keep you sober. Fortunately, Ken and I had started the evening at Q'bole in Folsom. An extremely authentic Mexican restaurant/bar filled with extremely caucasian patrons. Lots of big hair and cleavage. And tattoos. I never thought I'd have to say this, but quite a lot of the cleavage was very disturbing. I'd have to say I was quite impressed with some of the younger crowd, though. The younger people haven't quite learned the concept of "pacing yourself" and Ken and I were trying to guess which ones would actually be "awake" at sundown. We had to leave for the game, but I'm pretty sure the chick who downed a shot at the bar and killed off half her margarita before the bartender came back with her change was probably sleeping in the back seat of somebody's car by 9:00.

Finally, I'd like to thank my neighbors for starting their landscape remodel at 7:30 this morning. We woke to the gentle rumble and high-pitched beeping of a Bobcat ripping up concrete. Happy Saturday morning! I'm thinking about setting my alarm for 3:00am and weed-whacking my fence right next to their bedroom window. Or I could just start the mower, leave it there and go back to bed. It'll run out of gas eventually. BASTARDS!

FOLLOW UP: I met my neighbor when I went over to get the card of the guy grading the yard and he seems like a nice guy. I take back the nasty things I said about the early start to the yard work. We needed to get up anyway.

Bad Neighborhood

Bad Neighborhood
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So if things weren't bad enough with the rattlesnakes, Ken's bobcat and the wild turkeys on the trail (the turkeys can be surprisingly scary; they're fast little buggers), I have to see these signs plastered all over the place. I actually came home with a tick stuck to my leg on Wednesday, but he wasn't strong enough to make it through the hair on my legs to get a good meal. Poor little guy. I did save him for Rachelle to look at, though. She didn't like it so much, so I had to flush him. I'm pretty sure this is going to give me a great excuse to quit working out on the trail. Sweet!

Rattlesnake Training

Below is an actual e-mail Rachelle got at work today. I'm not sure California is such a great place. I really like the advice about walking with a co-worker and making sure to keep "at a very safe distance" if you see a rattlesnake. I'd be keeping a very safe distance. I'd be distantly in my car heading to a safer place, i.e., Iowa. I made the mistake of reading this damn e-mail before I hit the trail today for a bike ride. Every little rustle in the bushes and I was scootin' off the other way. All I actually saw were about 40 wild turkeys, but they could have been snakes. Dangerous little bastards. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want Len's job. Also good advice about remaining calm if you get bitten. I'll make sure to remember that.

From: Xxxxxx, Xxx
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 1:33 PM
To: All
Subject: Rattlesnake Awareness/ALERT
Importance: High

Len Ramirez of Ramirez Rattlesnake Removal visited our campus today to educate us here at Blue Shield on rattlesnakes and the danger they bring to the El Dorado Hills Campus. Len has already removed 3 rattlesnakes from our campus this year .

Please help me help you to prevent any episodes of rattlesnake bites to us here on our campus. Below I have mentioned a few ways to bring caution ideas to you for the work place and your home.

WORK:
When you're outdoors, two people walking together are better than one. Look at your surroundings around your feet and up ahead. If, you or your colleague see a rattlesnake, one needs to keep an eye on it (at a very safe distance) and the other needs to contact security immediately. This will help security to contact Len and give him an idea where to begin his work.

Rattlesnake Havens:
Rocks are a number one source for rattlesnakes. So the next time you decide to cut corners by walking on the rocks or making shortcuts through the bark, remember, the rattlesnake is making his shortcuts too and you could be his next victim. Rattlesnakes are deaf to airborne sound but have an 18" good eyesight.

Cars: Rattlesnakes could be hovering under your car in the shade. Len has removed them from car radiators before as well (not from cars on our campus). So proceed with caution when going to lunch or leaving from work.

HOME:
Poison Oak, retaining walls & of course rocks are a snakes haven. They also can come in through your garage or door entry. Here's just a few pre-cautions you can take to prevent this.

Keep your landscaping thin, not overcrowded. Especially around the garage and the front door.
Check your garage door for gaps. If you shut your garage door and can see light on either side, seal it with weather-stripping or necessary action to remove the light.
New developments are another source of rattlesnakes because their dens have been interrupted.

DOGS:
Pets are not an exception. Red Rock Biologics is a good source to inquire how you can vaccinate your dog against fatal rattlesnake bites. (sorry, no vaccine for cats yet) Check out their website for more information at www.redrockbiologics.com
For more information on rattlesnakes & service, visit Len's website at www.ramirezrattlesnakeremoval.com

Please remember, rattlesnakes have the capability of striking at one twenty-fifth of a second. Thanks for listening and please be safe this summer season.

Len tells us if you are bitten by a rattlesnake; anywhere. Please keep calm as much as possible (the faster the adrenaline, the faster the poison will travel to the heart), keep the bite area below the heart. If alone, walk, do not run to receive help.

Utah: Part II

Utah: Part II
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Rachelle and I went to Salt Lake City a couple weekends ago to help my dad and his wife move to their new house.  Regardless of what you think of the bizarre liquor laws in Utah (I happen to think they're complete crap, but more on that later), the place is beautiful.  We got so much done on Friday (before Rachelle arrived) that we decided to take the scenic drive up to Sundance on Saturday.  We went from the nice, warm, sunny weather in the valley to the nice, warm, sunny weather in the mountains.  The only difference seemed to be the snow.  And the avalanche warnings.  Skiing is definitely over for the season, but there was still enough snow on the slopes to get a good idea of what it looks like in season.  What it looks like is "SCARY".  I prefer my ski slopes with a much more gradual grade.  Much, much more gradual.  Like a parking lot. The steep hills are a little scary when they're covered with snow, but I'm willing to hike a good ways for a decent picture. Rachelle, Dad and Sheila stayed safely below while I hiked up to Bridal Falls. Probably a good call. Toasty warm and a long way down if I slipped. Sadly, the one thing running through my mind as I'm picking my way carefully down the hill was, "Man, I hope I don't fall and wreck my Treo".

Getting back to the strange liquor laws, the one thing I did learn on this trip was that you can't get an IPA before noon on Sunday.  Not that I would normally order an IPA before noon (at least during the week), but I do like to keep my options open.  Given the general dislike for alcohol among the local population, I was pleasantly surprised that SLC had even one good brew-pub.  Turns out the other brew-pub downtown is just as good.  We hit the Red Rock Brewing Company for dinner before Rachelle and I headed to the airport for our flight home.  I kind of wish we had gotten there earlier, because I wasn't able to work my way through the entire beer menu.  Next trip.  For anybody in the area looking for a good mini-pizza and tasty brew, Red Rock gets a Kelly-rating of 4 pints out of 5.  

Finally, I know this story is a couple of weeks old, but I'm really curious to learn more about the case of the old man in Florida who was going door-to-door offering free breast exams.  What amazes me more than the guy actually doing this is the fact that there were several women who believed him.  I can't even imagine who would think that could be a good idea.  "Hmmm, I've been meaning to get a breast exam, but I just haven't had the time.  How convenient that somebody will come uninvited to my door to check me out."  I've got to tell you, if a creepy looking dude ever comes to my door saying he's a doctor and is offering free prostate exams, I'm gonna ask for some I.D.  LOTS AND LOTS OF I.D.

... And I Have a LITTLE Truck!

... And I have a LITTLE Truck!
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Good God, gas is expensive! I was watching the little numbers spin by as I filled up this weekend and was starting to worry that I might have to start turning tricks in the AM/PM parking lot to settle my tab. And that could take a while (the fat, bald dude ho' is more of a "niche" market). I was actually thinking about trading the Ranger in on something a little more comfortable, but I think I'll stick with my 25mpg sweat-box for a little while longer.

The first sure signs of Spring have finally appeared in Orangevale. In some places you look for the first robin. In others, the first tiny buds on the trees. In Orangevale, you know Spring is truly here when the old guy at the end of the block is doing yard-work in his tidy-whities. We also saw a chick mowing her lawn in a bikini Saturday, but the old dude is ALWAYS out in his underwear. Got to give him credit, though. He's in great shape for 70+. I figure I've got to hit at least 60 before I can start wandering the neighborhood in my skivvies.

Puppy for Bo?

Puppy for Bo?
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

One of Rachelle's co-workers has a batch of brand new puppies. The father is a Chocolate Lab and the mother is a Great Dane. These are going to be some "interesting" looking dogs. I'm in the process of trying to talk Rachelle into getting a friend for Bo. Sadly, I'm thinking it might be easier to get Rachelle to agree to a puppy than it will be to convince Bo. He's not really cool with other dogs, and I can't imagine he'd dig a puppy that could interfere with his nap time. FYI, "nap time" is basically the 23.5 hours a day that aren't breakfast, dinner or treat time. I know puppies are a huge pain, and I just spent a lot of time and effort putting in new flooring, but they're so damn cute! Maybe. There are twelve to choose from. Maybe we can find one that Bo and Rachelle both like.

CHiPs

CHiPs
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Had a meeting downtown today and it was actually nice enough to wander around during lunch. I moseyed on over to the Capitol to see if I could catch Governor Arnold speechifyin' on the steps, but no such luck. Aside from two of the CHP's finest, all I saw were dozens of people enjoying the clear skies. For those of you not fortunate (?) enough to live in California, you might be surprised to hear that we are used to good weather. This year we're about ready to float away. I've got my kayaks tied up to the palm tree in my front yard just in case Rachelle, Bo and I need to make a break for it.

Open Mic Night

Open Mic Night
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

The first Friday of the month is Open Mic Night at It's a Grind. Definitely a weird vibe, a freaky crowd and a diverse mix of talent. I've got to say that I was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the music at a small coffee shop on a Friday night. Not a Phoebe in sight ("Smelly cat, smelly cat..."). The overall trend seemed to be that the chicks had decent voices but couldn't play guitar for crap, and the dudes could rock but they were somewhat tuneless vocally. My favorite was the Jesus-looking dude with the jailhouse tats on his knuckles. Not a great voice, but he could rock on the guitar. I'm trying to talk Rachelle into practicing our version of "When The Saints Come Marching In" for next month. I can play a mean harmonica and Rachelle can jam out on the acoustic guitar. OK, everything I play on the harmonica sounds exactly the same, but Rachelle can actually play something recognizable as a "song". It's a forgiving crowd.

Bulk Bees: Please, NO SAMPLING!

Bulk Bees
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

I've found a store I dislike almost as much as Wal-Mart. I say "almost" because they do have one thing I really do like. The bulk food aisle. I know what you're thinking, "Bulk-food is nasty and disgusting; a buffet with plastic bags and twisties". True, but WinCo has added a twist to the usual bulk crap. Honey that is being made while you wait.

Bulk Bees: NO SAMPLES
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Bitchin'! They've got live bees making honey inside the bulk bins. The only thing between you and a swarm of angry bees is a redneck with a screwdriver (and since it's WinCo, you're never more than 5 feet from an authentic Orangevale redneck). Adds a little thrill of the hunt to grocery shopping. I especially like the warning signs on the front. Pretty much a challenge to said rednecks. Other than the bees and the walk-in beer cooler, I'd have to say I'm not impressed with the WinCo. Narrow aisles, confusing layout and way too many freaky people. It's kind of like going to the fair, but you can go every day. 24-hours a day. Seven days a week. Truly scary. I'll let you know how the honey tastes.

Sunny SoCal

Sunny SoCal
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

My flight to Orange County was delayed, putting me in L.A. at 4:30pm. For those of you unfamiliar with L.A. traffic, it's never really good. At 4:30, it's really, really bad. At 4:30 and in the pouring rain, it truly blows. Two hours from John Wayne to my hotel in Buena Park. Usually takes me about 30 minutes. At least the beers in the lounge are poured in liters. Cheers!

Final Four, Baby!

Final Four, Baby!
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

OK, so I "went" to George Mason for a short time in the late 80's. Didn't get a lot of so-called "credits", but I do have lots of good memories. OK, not "lots", but I do remember living in the temporary dorms on top of the hill. Patriot Village. They were trailers. Double-wides. With skirts. Sweet! Anyway, those were the good ol' days. I had hair, weighed a buck fifty and had no idea I was such a loser. Shocking, considering what I looked like. You would have thought I was well aware that I was a true loser. Nope. Eighteen years later and things are much better. I'm bald, fat and I am uncomfortably aware of my loser-ness. And I couldn't care less. Go Patriots!

I Need AAA

I Need AAA
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

So I'm cruising down the freeway at about 70 miles an hour when I notice a slight wobble in the Ranger. After cutting across three lanes of traffic (also cruising at 70 mph), I'm finally able to pull over to the shoulder to find out that the tire was 100% friggin' flat. Time to pull out the owner's manual and figure out where the spare is (answer: it's under the bed hanging from a wire cable). Cool. Now how do you get it out? Back to the owner's manual. Twenty minutes and a lot of swearing later, Rachelle and I were on our way. I've got to give Ford some credit here. I drive a bare-bones Ranger: courier white, vinyl seats, 5-speed manual, AM/FM radio, no floor mats. The only "frill" I have is air-conditioning. That said, I have a full-size spare tire. With air. Sweet!

'Bama Grub

'Bama Grub
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Since I'm a cheap-ass bastard, and because the airlines make no sense, I flew into Birmingham and drove to Atlanta for my fantasy baseball draft. Heading back after a long weekend of drinking beer, eating pizza and drafting demoted/deported/traded players, I needed a place to re-fuel. Fortunately, the Magic City Grille was just the place. $6.99 got me an all-you-can-eat Southern meal. Everything in the South seems to be made with butter. And bacon grease. I could never, never live there, but I could make a couple trips a month for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Tasty!

Tiger Collins

Tiger Collins
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

This is one of the many, many sand traps I hit playing 18 holes at Stone Mountain in Georgia. It was an ugly 18, but a beautiful course. I was in a group with Shrek, Elan and Ron, so I wasn't necessarily the worst golfer on the course. It was at least a tie. Golfing also gave me a chance to walk off some of the Waffle House breakfast. Sadly, we had Waffle House again last night/this morning. Almost got in a fight with somebody who cut in line and grabbed a table we were waiting for. Word of advice: don't get between eight fat men and their grits. You would be amazed at the number of people waiting at the Waffle House at 3:00am. There was a good 20 minute wait for a table, but well worth it. There were also some "interesting" characters next to us. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure the guy in the white suite and the table full of skanky looking chicks may have been a pimp. Maybe not, but I remember Huggy Bear and this guy was a dead ringer.

Waffle House - Atlanta

Waffle House - Atlanta
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Post-bar "breakfast" at the Waffle House. I'm feeling sick just looking at it. From left to right: eggs, toast, grits (with butter and sugar), waffle, sausage/hashbrowns. Tasty.

Roseville Rodeo

Roseville Rodeo
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Strange things afoot at the Circle "S". Ken and I were waiting in line for an after-lunch Starbucks when we looked down and noticed spurs. It's not every day you see a chick wearing spurs, much less in Starbucks. Although, if I was in charge of life's central casting/wardrobe, it would have been a really hot chick in a short plaid skirt and the boots wouldn't be caked in horse crap. And she might have turned to me and said how hot she thinks fat, old, bald dudes are. Instead, she was kinda butch and (thankfully) didn't turn around to talk to me. I'm pretty sure she could have kicked my ass, with or without spurs.

United Sucks. Still.

United Sucks. Still.
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

Seriously. United has to be one of the worst run airlines in the U.S. I had a message on my phone this morning from corporate travel telling me United had decided to cancel my 8:00pm flight from Denver to Sacramento. They said they couldn't get a crew in to fly the plane. You're telling me they couldn't get a crew in Denver (one of their major hubs) in 12 hours? Worthless. I hope they do go bankrupt. Any airline that can't manage to get you where you're supposed to be going on at least the same day as you're supposed to be there doesn't deserve to stay in business. I wouldn't be so upset if this didn't happen every time I fly United. OK, I'd still be pissed, but I wouldn't feel as justified. Here's hoping I don't get stuck in Denver for as long as the last time United screwed me (3 days). Bastards are getting another angry letter.

UPDATE: United's still not on my "nice" list, but they (so far) are getting me home tonight. Kind of. They managed to get me on a US Airways flight through Phoenix that should get me in at 11:56. Technically, I guess that's still "today".

Snowbound

Snowbound
Originally uploaded by klycolllins.

I'm in Steamboat Springs, Colorado this week. Beautiful place, but it's friggin' cold. I went in for dinner and came back out 30 minutes later and I had to scrape 2-3 inches of snow off my rental Ford. On the plus side, I'm getting good use out of my Gore-Tex and fleece. Anyway, I'm on my way back to the hotel (bitchin' La Quinta) and I see this place. Damn, I wish California was this civilized. It's such a huge pain in the ass actually getting out of my truck when I need to pick up some liquor. Unfortunately, I had already picked up some beer, Pringles and Hot Tamales. Dinner o' champions.